Between food and words

When the colour rises to my cheeks
you become less discreet

I had so much to say
but you silenced me at the first “Hey”

From then on I was not me
it was just awkward chemistry

We talked of all things dull
with hormones of a tamed bull

The food is an excuse to look away
as with the eyes you make my heart sway

I cannot hide and I don't want to
you got me where I only want you

You're painfully good looking
especially when I'm leaving

One more time
One more way
You've won my heart
What more could I give away?

****
Felt old enough to write this. :)

you and me?

If you said to me
at the altar
that you would
love me forever
I would not believe you

If you asked me
to trust you
fully and always
I would
only smile

If you said
I meant more
to you
than anyone else
I would know better

I get jealous
I get angry
my patience runs out
and my love
stays behind the line

I won't be there
always
and many times
I might not
care

Truth is bitter
so you better enjoy
that taste
Now, are we doing this
in a haste?

F***book

Everyday I see
a new picture with commentary

Looking hot, what's up with you
that's all they say, that's all they do

F***book has become the place to
show the new haircut and the tattoo

People actually care
to waste their breath...swear!

I'm free but you got a job to do
so leave now and be gone you

No I don't want to chat
and I don't care about you new flat

Don't be my friend in e-space
get out of my face

Your drunken pictures are testimony
of your well known stupidity

You put up the information for me
when all I do is laugh at you silly

Get a life, just leave mine
fb is such a waste of time

****
Haven't hit the nail on my anger against the idiocy called fb, but reached close..

I'm on vacation..

I'm on a vacation
no f words, a's or b's.

The throat is meant for other things I learn
to gulp down more and more

food I meant
or orange juice.

No mention of how hot he looked
or how he moved so well

coz no movies
or late night chatting.

Plunging necklines have come up higher
and the hair is still tied

it's not right to be
however you want to be.

I'm on a vacation to get to size zero
I hide the butter and refuse the coke

coz at some point
the necklines will slip again.

And the swearing might also start again
when I won't be on vacation..

****
;) ;)

The big girl's diary of solutions?

Salvation from : weight? Starve?

imperfection? Foundation?

a boy? Shopping?

sucky job? Pub?

loneliness? Internet?

puffy eyes? Sunglasses?
.
.
.
.
Salvation?

Then new room

The new room orders, expects and delivers.
The memories are lacking and the mattress less inviting.
Pink is the colour of the day and the night.
The room hasn't found its soul yet.
It was made by the will of others to suit the taste of the owner.
It has a writer's block.
The new room is still just a room.

The room listens

When the last cup of tea was downed and the last meal cooked, the outside world stayed calm and the room listened. It was time to leave, again. The room which listened to every wail, every scream, the laughter and the prayers had nothing to say in return.

Not much had changed except a few more pricks in the blue board, a new DNA on the floor and some scratches on the mirror. The sun still pierced through the window right into the iris, the air made its way through the creeks and the sink kept flooding.

It was alive once with the sound of the music and footsteps. Now it lies in wait of new life. Will there be music and dancing, maybe? The room wonders in silence..

The drama of life

One year ago she came here at about 58 quilos, maybe happy, harmless and unsure.
It was supposed to be a dream come true and she thought it should be fun.

The air was cold and she didn't like the equally cold stares she got.
The tea tasted strange, the accent was difficult and her heart ached from memories of home.

Everyday she put on a smile, at least she thought it was a smile.
There were no friends and hardly any friendly faces.
Struggling with work and deadlines, maintaining the distance which existed not only in her head.

There were happy moments, in front of a 72 inch screen, hidden in her room, lying in bed.
Parties, silly jokes and drunk friends was becoming the norm.

More loneliness, a thicker shell, some moments of freedom and a false confidence.
Doubt interspersed with belief, vacations ruined by stress.
A prayer to be back in the land her soul yearned for while trying to love the one she was in.

Beliefs shattered, every emotion vomited through the system, no one to understand.
Spiritual progress, love for the abundant loneliness, a vulnerable heart which has always been so.

Summer.Yay!

More tribulation came, it was a deeper fall this time with three days of unadulterated, uninterrupted despair and no hunger.
This time the strategy was one battle at a time.

A re-emergence.

A tad bit heavier, somehow happy, still harmless and unsure, she takes her life too seriously or maybe not.

****
There is so much drama in our lives.

Sometimes

Sometimes it takes inspiration
Sometimes it takes intervention

Sometimes a mountain is too high
Sometimes climbing it barely brings joy

Sometimes hope makes the heart glad
Sometimes it tears patience apart

Sometimes I like to please
Sometimes I want people on their knees

Sometimes tears come for no reason
Sometimes pain doesn't evoke an emotion

Sometimes we don't understand life
Sometimes this ignorance is bliss

****
But what about other times?

Rock on

Finding the strength to move on

Leaving lies and embracing truth forlorn

Sowing together all that was torn

Is it me or did heaven just say, "Rock on"

Should I?

Should I keep dreaming or open my eyes?

Voice of an enlightened heart

When the music fades
and the strangers leave
I want to come home to a voice
to a memory
of times that have been
and those that will be.

The wealth of the world
the riches that we see
will come to nil
it will be only you and me
for love you are
and love you will always be.

The end is the beginning
before the start you knew me
you sent me here
for the world to see
your glory and mercy
working through me.

Words are not enough
and sometimes words I don't need
to feel you around
you are my saviour, my king
from forever to forever
you are and will be.

Why

Why must we prove ourselves to others?
Why do the right words fail to come out?
Why do jealousy and love spring from the same place?
Why can't we open up when we are most vulnerable?

Why does faith stumble when fear arrives?
Why does love not feel enough sometimes?
Why can a moment of sadness destroy a lifetime of joy?
Why do feelings matter?

****
We all have our questions. Why do we need answers?

Truth about me

Making difficult decisions, meeting people from the past, facing insecurities of today-nothing is easy. Yet we move because life moves and we must follow and obey. Through all this I decide to be me. The past is a shadow of my victories and failures, the future a vision of goals that have yet to be materialised. In today lies my only chance at life. I live it, I breathe it, as me. No lies, no masks, only the truth... for all to see.

Love notes to my Master

These voices, I wish they'd leave
In paradise, I wish I could believe

I didn't doubt you
At least I never meant to
I doubted me, I always do

I love you
I know you love me back
I don't love me, though I tried a shot at that

Will you forgive me?
I think you're waiting for me to ask
Let me forget everything in your embrace

In perfect love there is no fear
I might feel distant but you are always near

Here I am, take my grief
Come, fill me with your peace

We

You know what really connects me to a stranger...just plain human emotion. No differentiation on where we are from, no cultural baggage, no unnecessary formal behaviour.

Inside we’re all just the same without realising it. When all the make-up is removed and the perfume gone, it’s just skin that breathes and feels.

We can raise walls all around and eventually get lost but there are some moments when they break, without much effort.

For me this is the affirmation that there are good people out there whose paths have not yet crossed mine.

This doesn't happen too often and when it does I just cherish the moment.

Almost home

When you are away from home the nearby restaurant becomes your kitchen. And when that kitchen reminds you of images from back home its all the more special. Some parts of London have a distinct Indian flavour like Wembley where we went out to eat yesterday.

Getting down from the all too typical red bus you are moments away from feeling desi. And the transformation starts soon, as the mangoes sold on the street (yeah just like back home) seem to look Indian. Enter S's and you can just about forget London except for the English speaking waiters and the white customers.

Small place with just the basics-tables and chairs. The fat boss who runs the show with the thinner boys who perfectly fit my description of bhaiyas make you feel you have crossed the continent and landed on the country famous for its spices.

I have been a little wary of eating out because some dishes gave my stomach a bit of a tough time. But now in London where the food is not even salty, the chances of a bad stomach do reduce a little bit.

So we place the order which bhaiya takes down on his little notepad and moments later I am just too delighted that I came. In the wait for the food, three Asian looking men sit at a table next to us and stare quite evidently. Good food, almost friendly neighbours, now isn't that a deja vu of sorts.

But hey I paid in pounds. Then I remembered dad saying no compromise on food, so I was happy again.

The morning after the paneer gives my stomach a slight ache. That felt like home, almost..

The way to a woman's heart

My friend seems to think that the way to a woman's heart is through a shopping mall. Hmmm...

When I am low with only me to my rescue, I have been able to cheer myself up with old tricks that work well even now. Yes it does involve clothes and shoes at time but not necessarily shopping.

When the moods drive me insane and I need to shut every voice that isn't mine, I try on clothes. Some of them I have never worn or will probably never wear or I put on that (red) lipstick that the world cannot be allowed to see or those pair of shoes that are lying in wait of a party where I don't have to walk at all...

I spend time with myself and can make me smile in a way that no boy can.

I let my hair down for those precious minutes because no one is looking and I pose in front of the mirror...for me.

Only I know which clothes make me look absolutely wow. And that I will never wear them in front of another human being. That's because I can still see that love(ly) handle showing but it doesn't matter as only I know. Just the fun of this exercise is good enough to get over a silly mood.

Second best to that is sharing such moments with girlfriends. Only girls can understand other girls, in some things particularly.

There's a reason we go to loo in pairs, and there are reasons why we hug so much, and we have lots to say to each other in the ear. Only we know what our best features are, why we cry, what pain really means, why we get upset when boys talk of porn and that we don't like naughty jokes after a point.

From where I am looking at it, only a woman knows the way to her heart. Men can try to find out. Men should try.

I'm over my silly mood. Just hope my swollen eyes don't give away my little secret tomorrow.

****
Dedicated to all the women who can connect with the thought and those who helped me get over my moods.

Bollywood does it again

I recently watched Bhootnath.I had been looking forward to it because it seemed like a fresh concept. A story about ghosts that isn't scary is good for viewers like me who don't like to pay to get scared.

But this one again is just typical funny first half and then an emotional ride. At least the ghost could have been spared from being emotional!

My thoughts about the movie-

I laughed at all the naughty things Banku bhaiya did and I am old enough to not try them out but what about kids who watch the movie?

What are we telling children-there are ghost?only good ones aka angels?they are friendly?

I am an SRK fan but I am disappointed like I have been for the past few movies. Were his emotional dialogues with the ghost's son necessary?even in a guest appearance?

But to an extent I guess the movie reflects our present times. Parents are just too busy to look after the kids so we need divine intervention.

All I now understand about Bollywood is never go after the trailor. Even a movie that had potential went down that all too familiar Bollywood path of a family drama.

Anyway the kid was adorable. And the first half is bearable.

Homecoming

Seeking a release I came. I saw and was conquered again.
Found the treasure but it slipped through my finger.
My silence didnt need a listner, my mind forgot fear.
I revisited my self and I was me once more.
Familiar faces, familiar touch, but only for a moment, only this much.

****
Coming home does all this to you and more.

In the now

Sometimes you just have to believe
there is no other way.
Nobody can prepare you for life
or can they?
What is wrong and what is right
at this point I cannot say.
How do I do this
what is living my life my way?
Who stands in judgement
besides me and my?
Was I happy then
or am I happy now?

The winter tale

There's a song in my head
A memory in my heart

An unfufilled wish
A secret desire

Loneliness for company
And the cold for comfort

We're online

We are on the web. Come catch us!
Discover London at London Alternative

And don't forget to leave comments.
:)

Going online

It's work work work everywhere. Story ideas that I have to come up with, others ideas that I have to edit, dreams of the rival group team. Ah... and this is just the beginning!

This is what happens when everything catches pace at the same time.

I am working on a website in a group at the moment. It is on the net (needs work though) with my picture, looking quite exactly like what I didn't want it to but I'll leave that aside.

The team is a mix of international students and it is lots of fun to hear so many accents and so many kinds of English.

An overworked designer who has his sense of humour intact even when we are losing it.
An editor who picks on me as part of her job..... and she is good! :)
My fellow sub who is my first Indian connection in this foreign land.
Yeah that's just a taste of my team.

The rest shall be talked about later.

For the moment I must say I enjoy this amalgamation and fusion of ideas and nationalities.

The site is already dear to me and I shall not hear anything against it.

Are you wondering about the other team? Their site is not that good, trust me. ;)

How many years to this day?

I do not understand why today I have been feeling quite old. I have recollected events form the past and been amazed at the number of years between then and now.

That's not supposed to happen at all today. Today I am supposed to get upset about the world going ooh and aah about things and yet be happy I have so many loving people around me.

This has got to be weirder than all the other Valentine's days that have gone by.

And frankly I don't like this feeling. Its been 8 years since that happened and 6 since that. This is the stuff birthdays are made of. Then why today?

Am I officially entering the phase where I look back at what I have achieved. No! I'd rather ooh and aah and listen to mushy songs.

Is life getting back at me?

Recently...

So I have joined Facebook. Continuing in the tradition of doing some things I wouldn't normally do. I have to admit that I hated it the moment I was 'booked'.

It brought up a bunch of people that I could add to my list of friends and I felt dictated. I wanted to search for my friends, not have some thrown on me.

The funny thing is that people I have not been in touch with have woken up to me. Yes they did say it would be easier to keep in touch this way but I wasn't listening.

Communication has not developed in recent years. If anything it has shrunk- from letters, to emails to lines. Next thing we might just send each other words and it will suffice.

All along I have been sitting back and observing the drama unfold as Orkut and Facebook got famous. They created a huge hype in the beginning and some of it fizzled out, at least in the case of the former. Well lets just say I am happy I didn't let myself get an account there!

But this is an experiment and I pretty much did it for my friends, for my lazy friends who cannot drop a line. So let's see how it goes.

How many friends will I have? How many invitations will I turn down? How many hugs and nudges will I get? Booked, am I not!

****
It feels so good to blog again!

Jean-e-tically

My life is a pair of jeans
The more fun I have
The tighter it seems

I could do with a new one
But there is no time
And no place to run

I wanted to get it right
But realised long back
There is no perfect fit

A little crinkled,a little faded
It stands in its shades
Life gets a bit jaded

Back

Right then, new month and we are back.

A little spotty but as my friend thinks, I will come out of this better than before. So what have I been up to?

For starters I revisted the phenomenon called Govinda. I caught up on some movies that I had missed all these years. I must say that the guy did rule at one point.

Another mission was to get down to every detail of the Bourne series. I will not go into how very very handsome Matt Damon is and how I have loved him from the day I saw Good Will Hunting...

Besides this was the luxury of doing absolutely nothing. It's a feeling I had been longing for and finally I was there.

The week that went by turned out unexpectedly good. It was the holiday that I needed after my recent vacation.

One week is a lot of time to think. And maybe a few things have changed. Not giving in to the temptation to scratch for a week does teach you something after all.

So I'm back to the old routine but with a fresh start.

For now

Just angry words in my mind. Guess they dont deserve to be posted.
Soon I should be back.

Just reflecting

This country has surely given me lots of memories.

What my own country couldn't do in years this place did in months. As a results of it, I am occupied with these lately- lactocalamine, pain killer, anti viral tablets...

But other than that it gave me freedom without time, strangers without a heart...guess I shouldn't crib. But heck I'm not allowed to scratch so I have to do something else!

Well I'm getting better and this is all going in the 'experiences' section of my life.

It's hard to imagine some things but then when you see them with your own eyes, life becomes a little less mysterious.

I would have never imagined myself with spots. Infact I never thought I would get chicken pox as I had my share of such things as a kid. And now here I am.

My life has certainly undergone a transformation. I have done things I didn't think I would do, enjoyed some and hated others.

Yet all of it has made life less of a mystery to me. I understand its dynamics and balance and how things work in the real world.

And in all this you need time to reflect and that's what I am doing right now.

Surprise surprise...

Now there might be some changes in the direction in which this blog was going.

A certain spot showed up and well now some others did too. So we will just have to talk sbout them.

I'm talking about chicken pox.for anyone who reads this post, I hope you have had it.

I noticed the first one on my beloved country's republic day. Wasn't too sure what it was but I knew it was an alien. Then the doc and the revelation,ah... now I'm here, writing.

So I get a forced vacation and some time to do things that I need to. That's just one of the ups.

My appetite has become better, if that was possible. Thus it's possible I put on a bit by the time people see me next and may not believe the chicken pox 'story'.

But this here is the first post and we shall see what else can spring from this situation I have found myself in.

Oh yeah though this may sound unimportant if possible keep an account of who has had chicken pox in the family, especially little kids.

Well now I need my rest. Shall be back soon.

Me, Chocolate, Fuck

I had 3 ideas in my head about what I wanted to write today. But not feeling well was threatening their presence on the blog.Then I thought I shouldn’t let all that thinking go waste.

So here I give you the 3 ideas quite briefly in one post.

First- 'Fuck' is not such a blasphemous word. My teachers use it here ever so often and judging by that it is acceptable if used in the right circumstance.

Like when you lose a story you just wrote or when the world seems too bad and you say 'fuck it' to survive. I must admit it has helped me out of many a tough spots.

(You probably know this but I'm easing my guilt at using it more often lately).

Second- There's isn’t much that a good helping of chocolate cannot solve. When today I didn’t feel too good I put some chocolate spread on bread and ate it and I felt much better instantly.

(But I must remind you that the emphasis is on the quantity of chocolate).

Third- by some weird twist I have completely forgotten the third thing I was going to say. I tried to recall it but zilch came back.

Ah fuck it! I'll eat some chocolate...

Sunny side up!

We here have to learn to live without the sun because it just doesn’t feel like showing up. Today however it has pierced through all the clouds and showed up.

Now the joy of sunshine on your face in the winters is an experience shared by humanity. Usually when I’m alone and enjoying the sun I feel free of all the cares and the burdens. They fade away in the shining glory of the sun.

The warmth of the sun is so reassuring and seems to set everything right. There is clarity in my head and joy in my heart. It’s quite a good feeling, really.

But today I didn’t feel that same measure of the intoxication.

All I wanted to this when I came to this lovely city was to lose myself somewhere in the beautiful places and bitter sweet life away from home. I wanted to make a fresh beginning and do things differently.

My expectations were not met, they still are somewhere at the back of my mind waiting for redemption.

Now I realise that as beautiful as the day looks and as lovely as life seems on the bright and happy days, you have to keep the goodness flowing through the rest of the days.

But its hard work and you have to make it happen. That’s the only way. Sun or no sun, life has to be made good.

Though I admit it’s just easier on sunny days.

Sweet passions

I have been gorging on a carrot cake for the past two days. And the thought of having the last bit tomorrow makes me want tomorrow night to come quickly.

This is the land of desserts. There are just too many of them- waiting for you to dig into them. They melt in your mouth and leave you in sweet heaven. And you cannot wait to have them again.

Just like the temptation for sweets sometimes takes over, revisiting moments from the past just happens. Times that have been so very special, find their way into my conversation.

After my share of roughing it out there the temptation to revisit a happier past takes over. I recall the times gone by to fill emptiness of some days. And maybe my eyes light up as my heart is fed with their eternal sweetness.Then my heart is glad and my soul content.

But I do remember to leave some of the good bits for another day.

I don’t know if being a girl makes a difference but such things just don’t leave you too easy. The memory of a friend, seeing each other grow out from fears, realising how long we have known each other...guess everyone has had such moments.

And so I move on. Maybe to other desserts hopefully.

Designs on me?

In my life of long days and hungry evenings and even nights (at times) there is a certain encroachment by CSS( cascading style sheets).

I’m doing an online course and here comes the fun part... or so I hear. Rip apart a website.......see what it’s like on the inside. 3 columns, bold, picture here, white space...well actually suck the fun out of looking at an awesome website by thinking of how it was made and oh yeah...why.

Then design new pages of a website you would proudly call yours. Well I thought I’ll take it bit by bit (I mean the ripping!).

But there does come a time when the familiar sense of ‘ahem... why am I doing this’ steps in. Psst...It’s for the money, honey!

‘Speed’ as they say is of the essence. The life of a journalist is not easy folks. There are stories to be written and more to be edited and well it has to be done on the go. Think on the go, eat on the go.
Just go go go...

And I’m not really going anywhere with this ramble. But I’m just preparing myself for more invasion by style guides and tags and fonts and colours.

So if you see lesser posts than you’re used to...just know that I’m around but working..

Behind my back

Living alone is a pain. If carrying grocery and getting shoulders busted twice a week was not enough, then it’s doing the laundry.

Doing the laundry in the halls here....well my first time around. The laundry bag got heavy and walking all the way to the launderette. Lord! My arms broke. My back had not yet recovered from lifting a heavy suitcase when this came along.

But the ordeal didn’t end there coz I had to take the stuff back all the way.

Add some rain and some cold wind and hair flying all over the place to the picture and doing all this on a growling stomach and you just about get the juicy part of my day.

Oh and I had a little tiff with a tiny annoying woman (I was tempted to get her by the neck and she’d regret it!)

Living alone is quite an experience and that’s what I'll say for the moment. All these years, I have hated carrying weight but all alone now and these weighty issues seem to crop up so often.

By the end of this year here I’ll definitely have grown stronger. But the moment I can’t take it anymore, I’m telling mom I want to get married.

I need someone to carry the weight around (including me)!
:p

OMG

OMG the date displayed on the previous post is wrong! It says 13th Jan but it should be 20th.

"Blogger malfunctioning...beware beware!"

Been around...

My holiday's over. I'm back to classes now. The effects of the vacation can be seen....no its not a tan but the extra inches I have around me.

But I love the fact that the jeans are tighter (way to go mom!)and that I may look a little healthier.

I have been around for a while but didn't find time to blog. Thoughts have made it to the drafts of the blog but not beyond and just lay there.

Good that one of my new year resolutions was not updating the blog regularly or I'd have broken that one right away. But hopefully all that should change now.

Guess I need some more dedication, inspiration, perseverance and......ah I'll be regular.

But here are some lines from earlier this year that did not make it:

Chocolate and ice cream giving me company
New Year and Christmas are history

Back to work for me
No late mornings for this busy bee

I’ve already labelled my mountains
And here again it begins

Roll up those sleeves and tie the wild mane
It’s an uphill ride, it ain’t no game

New Year fever

When the party is over
And the alcohol doesn’t burn
When all the eves are gone
And the winter is colder

What will you do?

When faith overflows
And doubt leaves without a trace
When the dark cannot smite
And the day doesn’t bite

What will you do?

When you’re in the middle
And you’re no saint and you're no rogue
When bad feels as good as bad
And the highs come down like fever

What will you do?
***
The first week of the New Year is over. From adrenalin highs to normalcy...