My silence talking

Yeah we can dance a dance
but what if we just talked

You see I have conversations
that have never been let out

They're mature and ready
to be let loose

So what if we don't like each other
that accent still sounds sweet

Words don't have to be tall or successful
as long as you have a mouthful

Grab a seat, maybe a drink
leave the pretty girls for one bit

When we're done we can leave
no looking back, no apologies

I need a stranger, not a friend
just for a talk not a dance

The fight is on

Darna mana hai.

Darna mat, bas ladhna.

2011

The beginning is near...

yay! :D

Accounting

Have you ever lay awake thinking how wonderful God is?
Have your walls ever threatened to swallow?
Have you struggled to be you?
Have you ever hoped against hope?

Have I lived? Have I been imperfect?
Have I confessed I cry easy?
Who really watched me? Who understood?
How many smiled because of me?

What's the end of the story?

beaming me :)

I'm a wonderful person. I must be such a joy to be around!

You're only as good as your last fight

Arguments and fights are a part of life. I'm sure you knew that but I sort of missed that lesson up until this summer. I always thought I was a peace loving bundle (of joy) but...well...no.

I love a good fight...the shouting, the drama, the tears, the swollen eyes. Why ease tension watching people fight when you can get into one yourself! It's so refreshing.

But the fight is followed by that silence, the customary 'reflect back on your actions.' Let's just say that's when I see me in all my glorious faults and don't like me.

So now I try to judge less. For example:

you're drunk...oh I'm just as useless/wasted when I sulk. (manage a smile)

you're ugly...it's not like you chose to be. (seriously what happened!)

your math is worse than mine...I have my days too. (not really)

you can't help fight...life would sort of be dull without any action. (I wish I had a gun)

but you're skiiiny....ok so I haven't mastered this yet! (EeeeW)

So next time you pass me by, don't let the innocent face fool you. I might not comment on your shoes or your BMI but if need be I'll pick that fight till one drops.

:)

P.S. pardon the mistakes if you do spot them.

a thought in a moment

At every step in life a heart is broken. If not mine, then yours.

Rational living

Don't leave a cotton bud in your dark denim and then machine wash it...with other dark pants. (Don't ask how 'it' got there in the first place).

Don't apologise for a bad haircut/ day.

Scream if you have to, write if you have to.


There...that covers life-lessons from week 21, 2010.

At home

Been round the corner
Over the bend
Under a mood
And then
Besides myself

Been where I shouldn't be
At the crossroads
In the twilight
Lonely and tired
Proud and selfish

Now I am
In love with you
My heart rested
And soul set free

Now I am at home with Thee

LOVED!

A journey,
finally a turn.

A shout,
of joy.

A heart,
set free.

Faith,
risen.

Beauty,
given.

Blessed
and favoured.

Me.

There's no title for this!

I must get back to this space....
Will I ever write again?

Y-O-U

You are what was good in my life
The songs, late nights, childish dreams of
tomorrow's happiness and strife

Contrived silence, a suppressed blush
Were the games we played though
we kept it all hush hush

Outdo, out-smile- it came so easily
Competing in the name of love
and celebrating the intimacy

You are what I loved most about me
Our smiles, tears and fights were all together
to be the best I could be

A selfish rhyme

As vast as this world may seem
I squeeze it down to me
There's anger, passion, unity
Love and humility

The fuel of my desire
Lights the fire
Echo of my words fills the dawn
From the day I was born

In secret is my rendezvous
Selfish and selfless
Not shy of any secret revealed
Dressing wounds that won't heal

The world is just a bubble
Bright and colourful
Waiting to be blown away
I lose interest and walk away

Two mirrors, one pump and two wheels
Multiplied is humanity
Life becomes anonymity
I shut it out to be free

Bleeding

When I couldn't understand
I kept silent
When you let go of my hand
I ble(e)d words

So near you could hear my breath
But not my cry
The distance grew to such a length
I ble(e)d words

If there is comfort in darkness
I couldn't sense it
Because I carried the sadness
I ble(e)d words

I am alone as I always was
To want and not have
When I re-live that pause
I ble(e)d words

My-chael

Many years ago in school a teacher asked me to name two famous musicians that were recognised everywhere in the world. We all agreed that one was Michael Jackson. Eight years on and I still don't have a second name.

This man had a kind of influence that cannot be attributed to any other. Since his death I haven't been able to get him off my mind. My ears keep ringing with his songs and I refuse to let it fully register that we now live in a world without the moonwalk-er.

While he was alive I didn't think of him, his misery and fame, his obsessions and influence, his failings and heights as much as in his death. It's been the hardest to believe what my eyes see and read. The man who performed like a soldier couldn't just fall breathless and die.

The MJ I remember was a towering figure on stage with those perfect black pants through which his legs moved so well and the crisp white shirt fluttering behind him. Never had a man looked so good in such little colour. The black-white combination looked better on no one else. The hat-throwing was a personal favourite and how I wished I was there and had caught it.

Besides the hat there are too many things about him I couldn't quite catch. Even now every few minutes the media creates a new Jackson. One was the crazed celebrity, part devilish and the other a human whose failings were just as human. But to accuse him of his crimes we must think we are terribly righteous.

His greatest accusation- living life like a child. Name one person who till date doesn't want to be a carefree child once more. He did too and the world just said no. Loneliness makes you do strange things, who doesn't know that.

It was the coolest thing to have owned a slightly battered audio cassette of his album 'Bad' back in school. I spent hours listening to his tunes, every one better than the previous. The words, some of them which thanks to the internet I am now learning, did not really matter as long as you got the 'dirty diannas', the 'beat its' and the 'smooooth criminals,' all the while waiting for the beloved 'aoww'.

I cringed at his patent crotch grabbing/touching routine but the performances were incomplete without at least a half a dozen of those. I was mesmerised by him even though the face before me kept changing. At the beginning of the 'transformation' though he looked quite alright...ok he looked nice. However, my personal lesson from this is that the nose that mama gives you is the best.

As a fan he really tested my orthodox levels of acceptance. The child abuse cases were shocking but till today my sane mind feels there has been some foul play. But if there is any, any truth in this, I regretfully say he is probably the only such loathful human being for whom I have a slightly soft corner.

With his death the images that remain with me are of a talented, lonely man. I cannot forget the red African top and the boys with drums from 'they don't really care about us'. They didn't care for him, they don't care for anyone. Such is life.

He was there for us for a part of our lives- whether it was teens or adulthood giving us music to make this life bearable. For all of us at some point or the other he was My-chael.

****
I just couldn't not write this.

One

I want one day of great faith
no doubts, no hate

A day of silence
a day of innocence

Give me one day of bliss
where I am no less

A day without any judging
or shame of sinning

Wish I had one day with no desires
or passions that burn like fire

A day of looking within
and shedding old skin

Only one day to walk ahead
no burden or thought in my head

A day to soak in the rain
not living up to any name

I ask
for only one

In a corner of my mind

A shiny dress hanging at the end of my closet
a day soon coming
it will leave

A fire keeps burning, beating wind or wave
it keeps consuming
won't burn me out

A tear from my eye, licking my lash
threatens to fall
and have me grieve

A chain on my wings, tightening all the time
a moment of faith
and I would be free

There is a day I have been dreaming about
it will be
it will be

****
Inspired by a song. Am falling in love with words all over.

The break

The mirror doesn't lie
It isn't moved when I cry
No stars are left in my sky
Only darkness reflected from my eye.

Tears swept away with the smiles
Now remains a crease between the eyes
That too shall fade
When life again invades.

I want to run and hide
Don't want love by my side
I need to be selfish and now
I've just got to figure out how.

Love makes you do silly things
All for a human being
When no good feelings are left
There's plenty emptiness.

It's all been done before
Yes, I did it once more
I'm now trying to learn
To live with the shame.

Never, nothing

There has never been a mentor
Never been anyone greater

Never been a name to swear by
Never been a standby

No one always there
No one who cares

Never been one for letting go
Never been taking it slow

Never been not right
Never been able to win fights

Nothing extraordinary
Nothing valuable for this drudgery

Never been a time there wasn't
Nothing

A new year look at me

One week into the new year and I fail, like many around the world, to see the newness of it all. Yes, I did hug and smile when the clock struck 12 on the last day of the previous one, hoping and expecting something to be new. It was all fake.

I'm still the same. Pissed off, temperamental, with no desire to change. But so are others. Mom and I still cannot go out shopping without a fight, dad still thinks I'm a kid, the world still round and chilly still messes up my stomach.

The new things I can think of are- I'll be a year older, I got three new tops and a realisation that I may actually be a meanie. Not much to boast about, eh? Still I move on wishing happy new year to one and all on the phone, buy a new calendar, wait for the first birthday of the year- to start the same routine all over again.

The old habits that I have brought along with me need to go away and new ones formed. Standard homo sapien behaviour. We are all typical then and so am I.