DoDoingDone

My silence talking

2011-07-15T10:39:00.000-07:00

Yeah we can dance a dance
but what if we just talked

You see I have conversations
that have never been let out

They're mature and ready
to be let loose

So what if we don't like each other
that accent still sounds sweet

Words don't have to be tall or successful
as long as you have a mouthful

Grab a seat, maybe a drink
leave the pretty girls for one bit

When we're done we can leave
no looking back, no apologies

I need a stranger, not a friend
just for a talk not a dance

The fight is on

2011-06-02T10:33:00.000-07:00

Darna mana hai.

Darna mat, bas ladhna.

2011

2011-02-08T23:49:00.000-08:00

The beginning is near...

yay! :D

Accounting

2011-01-22T09:06:00.000-08:00

Have you ever lay awake thinking how wonderful God is?
Have your walls ever threatened to swallow?
Have you struggled to be you?
Have you ever hoped against hope?

Have I lived? Have I been imperfect?
Have I confessed I cry easy?
Who really watched me? Who understood?
How many smiled because of me?

What's the end of the story?

beaming me :)

2010-09-25T12:16:00.000-07:00

I'm a wonderful person. I must be such a joy to be around!

You're only as good as your last fight

2010-09-11T01:47:00.001-07:00

Arguments and fights are a part of life. I'm sure you knew that but I sort of missed that lesson up until this summer. I always thought I was a peace loving bundle (of joy) but...well...no.

I love a good fight...the shouting, the drama, the tears, the swollen eyes. Why ease tension watching people fight when you can get into one yourself! It's so refreshing.

But the fight is followed by that silence, the customary 'reflect back on your actions.' Let's just say that's when I see me in all my glorious faults and don't like me.

So now I try to judge less. For example:

you're drunk...oh I'm just as useless/wasted when I sulk. (manage a smile)

you're ugly...it's not like you chose to be. (seriously what happened!)

your math is worse than mine...I have my days too. (not really)

you can't help fight...life would sort of be dull without any action. (I wish I had a gun)

but you're skiiiny....ok so I haven't mastered this yet! (EeeeW)

So next time you pass me by, don't let the innocent face fool you. I might not comment on your shoes or your BMI but if need be I'll pick that fight till one drops.

:)

P.S. pardon the mistakes if you do spot them.

a thought in a moment

2010-08-11T07:56:00.000-07:00

At every step in life a heart is broken. If not mine, then yours.

Rational living

2010-05-26T10:34:00.000-07:00

Don't leave a cotton bud in your dark denim and then machine wash it...with other dark pants. (Don't ask how 'it' got there in the first place).

Don't apologise for a bad haircut/ day.

Scream if you have to, write if you have to.

There...that covers life-lessons from week 21, 2010.

At home

2010-03-17T10:26:00.000-07:00

Been round the corner
Over the bend
Under a mood
And then
Besides myself

Been where I shouldn't be
At the crossroads
In the twilight
Lonely and tired
Proud and selfish

Now I am
In love with you
My heart rested
And soul set free

Now I am at home with Thee

LOVED!

2009-11-16T10:02:00.000-08:00

A journey,
finally a turn.

A shout,
of joy.

A heart,
set free.

Faith,
risen.

Beauty,
given.

Blessed
and favoured.

Me.

There's no title for this!

2009-10-31T03:52:00.000-07:00

I must get back to this space....
Will I ever write again?

Y-O-U

2009-08-04T14:32:00.000-07:00

You are what was good in my life
The songs, late nights, childish dreams of
tomorrow's happiness and strife

Contrived silence, a suppressed blush
Were the games we played though
we kept it all hush hush

Outdo, out-smile- it came so easily
Competing in the name of love
and celebrating the intimacy

You are what I loved most about me
Our smiles, tears and fights were all together
to be the best I could be

A selfish rhyme

2009-07-31T06:40:00.000-07:00

As vast as this world may seem
I squeeze it down to me
There's anger, passion, unity
Love and humility

The fuel of my desire
Lights the fire
Echo of my words fills the dawn
From the day I was born

In secret is my rendezvous
Selfish and selfless
Not shy of any secret revealed
Dressing wounds that won't heal

The world is just a bubble
Bright and colourful
Waiting to be blown away
I lose interest and walk away

Two mirrors, one pump and two wheels
Multiplied is humanity
Life becomes anonymity
I shut it out to be free

Bleeding

2009-07-10T01:39:00.000-07:00

When I couldn't understand
I kept silent
When you let go of my hand
I ble(e)d words

So near you could hear my breath
But not my cry
The distance grew to such a length
I ble(e)d words

If there is comfort in darkness
I couldn't sense it
Because I carried the sadness
I ble(e)d words

I am alone as I always was
To want and not have
When I re-live that pause
I ble(e)d words

My-chael

2009-06-28T15:47:00.000-07:00

Many years ago in school a teacher asked me to name two famous musicians that were recognised everywhere in the world. We all agreed that one was Michael Jackson. Eight years on and I still don't have a second name.

This man had a kind of influence that cannot be attributed to any other. Since his death I haven't been able to get him off my mind. My ears keep ringing with his songs and I refuse to let it fully register that we now live in a world without the moonwalk-er.

While he was alive I didn't think of him, his misery and fame, his obsessions and influence, his failings and heights as much as in his death. It's been the hardest to believe what my eyes see and read. The man who performed like a soldier couldn't just fall breathless and die.

The MJ I remember was a towering figure on stage with those perfect black pants through which his legs moved so well and the crisp white shirt fluttering behind him. Never had a man looked so good in such little colour. The black-white combination looked better on no one else. The hat-throwing was a personal favourite and how I wished I was there and had caught it.

Besides the hat there are too many things about him I couldn't quite catch. Even now every few minutes the media creates a new Jackson. One was the crazed celebrity, part devilish and the other a human whose failings were just as human. But to accuse him of his crimes we must think we are terribly righteous.

His greatest accusation- living life like a child. Name one person who till date doesn't want to be a carefree child once more. He did too and the world just said no. Loneliness makes you do strange things, who doesn't know that.

It was the coolest thing to have owned a slightly battered audio cassette of his album 'Bad' back in school. I spent hours listening to his tunes, every one better than the previous. The words, some of them which thanks to the internet I am now learning, did not really matter as long as you got the 'dirty diannas', the 'beat its' and the 'smooooth criminals,' all the while waiting for the beloved 'aoww'.

I cringed at his patent crotch grabbing/touching routine but the performances were incomplete without at least a half a dozen of those. I was mesmerised by him even though the face before me kept changing. At the beginning of the 'transformation' though he looked quite alright...ok he looked nice. However, my personal lesson from this is that the nose that mama gives you is the best.

As a fan he really tested my orthodox levels of acceptance. The child abuse cases were shocking but till today my sane mind feels there has been some foul play. But if there is any, any truth in this, I regretfully say he is probably the only such loathful human being for whom I have a slightly soft corner.

With his death the images that remain with me are of a talented, lonely man. I cannot forget the red African top and the boys with drums from 'they don't really care about us'. They didn't care for him, they don't care for anyone. Such is life.

He was there for us for a part of our lives- whether it was teens or adulthood giving us music to make this life bearable. For all of us at some point or the other he was My-chael.

****
I just couldn't not write this.

One

2009-05-21T03:08:00.000-07:00

I want one day of great faith
no doubts, no hate

A day of silence
a day of innocence

Give me one day of bliss
where I am no less

A day without any judging
or shame of sinning

Wish I had one day with no desires
or passions that burn like fire

A day of looking within
and shedding old skin

Only one day to walk ahead
no burden or thought in my head

A day to soak in the rain
not living up to any name

I ask
for only one

In a corner of my mind

2009-05-15T09:59:00.000-07:00

A shiny dress hanging at the end of my closet
a day soon coming
it will leave

A fire keeps burning, beating wind or wave
it keeps consuming
won't burn me out

A tear from my eye, licking my lash
threatens to fall
and have me grieve

A chain on my wings, tightening all the time
a moment of faith
and I would be free

There is a day I have been dreaming about
it will be
it will be

****
Inspired by a song. Am falling in love with words all over.

The break

2009-04-07T11:52:00.000-07:00

The mirror doesn't lie
It isn't moved when I cry
No stars are left in my sky
Only darkness reflected from my eye.

Tears swept away with the smiles
Now remains a crease between the eyes
That too shall fade
When life again invades.

I want to run and hide
Don't want love by my side
I need to be selfish and now
I've just got to figure out how.

Love makes you do silly things
All for a human being
When no good feelings are left
There's plenty emptiness.

It's all been done before
Yes, I did it once more
I'm now trying to learn
To live with the shame.

Never, nothing

2009-03-02T07:20:00.000-08:00

There has never been a mentor
Never been anyone greater

Never been a name to swear by
Never been a standby

No one always there
No one who cares

Never been one for letting go
Never been taking it slow

Never been not right
Never been able to win fights

Nothing extraordinary
Nothing valuable for this drudgery

Never been a time there wasn't
Nothing

A new year look at me

2009-01-08T10:09:00.000-08:00

One week into the new year and I fail, like many around the world, to see the newness of it all. Yes, I did hug and smile when the clock struck 12 on the last day of the previous one, hoping and expecting something to be new. It was all fake.

I'm still the same. Pissed off, temperamental, with no desire to change. But so are others. Mom and I still cannot go out shopping without a fight, dad still thinks I'm a kid, the world still round and chilly still messes up my stomach.

The new things I can think of are- I'll be a year older, I got three new tops and a realisation that I may actually be a meanie. Not much to boast about, eh? Still I move on wishing happy new year to one and all on the phone, buy a new calendar, wait for the first birthday of the year- to start the same routine all over again.

The old habits that I have brought along with me need to go away and new ones formed. Standard homo sapien behaviour. We are all typical then and so am I.

Between food and words

2008-12-18T09:44:00.000-08:00

When the colour rises to my cheeks
you become less discreet

I had so much to say
but you silenced me at the first “Hey”

From then on I was not me
it was just awkward chemistry

We talked of all things dull
with hormones of a tamed bull

The food is an excuse to look away
as with the eyes you make my heart sway

I cannot hide and I don't want to
you got me where I only want you

You're painfully good looking
especially when I'm leaving

One more time
One more way
You've won my heart
What more could I give away?

****
Felt old enough to write this. :)

you and me?

2008-11-27T03:57:00.000-08:00

If you said to me
at the altar
that you would
love me forever
I would not believe you

If you asked me
to trust you
fully and always
I would
only smile

If you said
I meant more
to you
than anyone else
I would know better

I get jealous
I get angry
my patience runs out
and my love
stays behind the line

I won't be there
always
and many times
I might not
care

Truth is bitter
so you better enjoy
that taste
Now, are we doing this
in a haste?

F***book

2008-10-30T14:15:00.000-07:00

Everyday I see
a new picture with commentary

Looking hot, what's up with you
that's all they say, that's all they do

F***book has become the place to
show the new haircut and the tattoo

People actually care
to waste their breath...swear!

I'm free but you got a job to do
so leave now and be gone you

No I don't want to chat
and I don't care about you new flat

Don't be my friend in e-space
get out of my face

Your drunken pictures are testimony
of your well known stupidity

You put up the information for me
when all I do is laugh at you silly

Get a life, just leave mine
fb is such a waste of time

****
Haven't hit the nail on my anger against the idiocy called fb, but reached close..

I'm on vacation..

2008-10-26T05:21:00.000-07:00

I'm on a vacation
no f words, a's or b's.

The throat is meant for other things I learn
to gulp down more and more

food I meant
or orange juice.

No mention of how hot he looked
or how he moved so well

coz no movies
or late night chatting.

Plunging necklines have come up higher
and the hair is still tied

it's not right to be
however you want to be.

I'm on a vacation to get to size zero
I hide the butter and refuse the coke

coz at some point
the necklines will slip again.

And the swearing might also start again
when I won't be on vacation..

****
;) ;)

The big girl's diary of solutions?

2008-10-21T15:12:00.000-07:00

Salvation from : weight? Starve?

imperfection? Foundation?

a boy? Shopping?

sucky job? Pub?

loneliness? Internet?

puffy eyes? Sunglasses?
.
.
.
.
Salvation?

Then new room

2008-10-07T12:33:00.000-07:00

The new room orders, expects and delivers.
The memories are lacking and the mattress less inviting.
Pink is the colour of the day and the night.
The room hasn't found its soul yet.
It was made by the will of others to suit the taste of the owner.
It has a writer's block.
The new room is still just a room.

The room listens

2008-09-14T01:33:00.001-07:00

When the last cup of tea was downed and the last meal cooked, the outside world stayed calm and the room listened. It was time to leave, again. The room which listened to every wail, every scream, the laughter and the prayers had nothing to say in return.

Not much had changed except a few more pricks in the blue board, a new DNA on the floor and some scratches on the mirror. The sun still pierced through the window right into the iris, the air made its way through the creeks and the sink kept flooding.

It was alive once with the sound of the music and footsteps. Now it lies in wait of new life. Will there be music and dancing, maybe? The room wonders in silence..

The drama of life

2008-09-09T16:00:00.000-07:00

One year ago she came here at about 58 quilos, maybe happy, harmless and unsure.
It was supposed to be a dream come true and she thought it should be fun.

The air was cold and she didn't like the equally cold stares she got.
The tea tasted strange, the accent was difficult and her heart ached from memories of home.

Everyday she put on a smile, at least she thought it was a smile.
There were no friends and hardly any friendly faces.
Struggling with work and deadlines, maintaining the distance which existed not only in her head.

There were happy moments, in front of a 72 inch screen, hidden in her room, lying in bed.
Parties, silly jokes and drunk friends was becoming the norm.

More loneliness, a thicker shell, some moments of freedom and a false confidence.
Doubt interspersed with belief, vacations ruined by stress.
A prayer to be back in the land her soul yearned for while trying to love the one she was in.

Beliefs shattered, every emotion vomited through the system, no one to understand.
Spiritual progress, love for the abundant loneliness, a vulnerable heart which has always been so.

Summer.Yay!

More tribulation came, it was a deeper fall this time with three days of unadulterated, uninterrupted despair and no hunger.
This time the strategy was one battle at a time.

A re-emergence.

A tad bit heavier, somehow happy, still harmless and unsure, she takes her life too seriously or maybe not.

****
There is so much drama in our lives.

Sometimes

2008-09-04T09:49:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it takes inspiration
Sometimes it takes intervention

Sometimes a mountain is too high
Sometimes climbing it barely brings joy

Sometimes hope makes the heart glad
Sometimes it tears patience apart

Sometimes I like to please
Sometimes I want people on their knees

Sometimes tears come for no reason
Sometimes pain doesn't evoke an emotion

Sometimes we don't understand life
Sometimes this ignorance is bliss

****
But what about other times?

Rock on

2008-08-18T04:28:00.000-07:00

Finding the strength to move on

Leaving lies and embracing truth forlorn

Sowing together all that was torn

Is it me or did heaven just say, "Rock on"

Should I?

2008-08-13T11:04:00.000-07:00

Should I keep dreaming or open my eyes?

Voice of an enlightened heart

2008-07-29T04:53:00.000-07:00

When the music fades
and the strangers leave
I want to come home to a voice
to a memory
of times that have been
and those that will be.

The wealth of the world
the riches that we see
will come to nil
it will be only you and me
for love you are
and love you will always be.

The end is the beginning
before the start you knew me
you sent me here
for the world to see
your glory and mercy
working through me.

Words are not enough
and sometimes words I don't need
to feel you around
you are my saviour, my king
from forever to forever
you are and will be.

Why

2008-07-21T12:56:00.000-07:00

Why must we prove ourselves to others?
Why do the right words fail to come out?
Why do jealousy and love spring from the same place?
Why can't we open up when we are most vulnerable?

Why does faith stumble when fear arrives?
Why does love not feel enough sometimes?
Why can a moment of sadness destroy a lifetime of joy?
Why do feelings matter?

****
We all have our questions. Why do we need answers?

Truth about me

2008-07-19T14:39:00.000-07:00

Making difficult decisions, meeting people from the past, facing insecurities of today-nothing is easy. Yet we move because life moves and we must follow and obey. Through all this I decide to be me. The past is a shadow of my victories and failures, the future a vision of goals that have yet to be materialised. In today lies my only chance at life. I live it, I breathe it, as me. No lies, no masks, only the truth... for all to see.

Love notes to my Master

2008-07-03T09:12:00.000-07:00

These voices, I wish they'd leave
In paradise, I wish I could believe

I didn't doubt you
At least I never meant to
I doubted me, I always do

I love you
I know you love me back
I don't love me, though I tried a shot at that

Will you forgive me?
I think you're waiting for me to ask
Let me forget everything in your embrace

In perfect love there is no fear
I might feel distant but you are always near

Here I am, take my grief
Come, fill me with your peace

We

2008-05-27T13:39:00.001-07:00

You know what really connects me to a stranger...just plain human emotion. No differentiation on where we are from, no cultural baggage, no unnecessary formal behaviour.

Inside we’re all just the same without realising it. When all the make-up is removed and the perfume gone, it’s just skin that breathes and feels.

We can raise walls all around and eventually get lost but there are some moments when they break, without much effort.

For me this is the affirmation that there are good people out there whose paths have not yet crossed mine.

This doesn't happen too often and when it does I just cherish the moment.

Almost home

2008-05-20T11:52:00.000-07:00

When you are away from home the nearby restaurant becomes your kitchen. And when that kitchen reminds you of images from back home its all the more special. Some parts of London have a distinct Indian flavour like Wembley where we went out to eat yesterday.

Getting down from the all too typical red bus you are moments away from feeling desi. And the transformation starts soon, as the mangoes sold on the street (yeah just like back home) seem to look Indian. Enter S's and you can just about forget London except for the English speaking waiters and the white customers.

Small place with just the basics-tables and chairs. The fat boss who runs the show with the thinner boys who perfectly fit my description of bhaiyas make you feel you have crossed the continent and landed on the country famous for its spices.

I have been a little wary of eating out because some dishes gave my stomach a bit of a tough time. But now in London where the food is not even salty, the chances of a bad stomach do reduce a little bit.

So we place the order which bhaiya takes down on his little notepad and moments later I am just too delighted that I came. In the wait for the food, three Asian looking men sit at a table next to us and stare quite evidently. Good food, almost friendly neighbours, now isn't that a deja vu of sorts.

But hey I paid in pounds. Then I remembered dad saying no compromise on food, so I was happy again.

The morning after the paneer gives my stomach a slight ache. That felt like home, almost..

The way to a woman's heart

2008-05-16T16:43:00.000-07:00

My friend seems to think that the way to a woman's heart is through a shopping mall. Hmmm...

When I am low with only me to my rescue, I have been able to cheer myself up with old tricks that work well even now. Yes it does involve clothes and shoes at time but not necessarily shopping.

When the moods drive me insane and I need to shut every voice that isn't mine, I try on clothes. Some of them I have never worn or will probably never wear or I put on that (red) lipstick that the world cannot be allowed to see or those pair of shoes that are lying in wait of a party where I don't have to walk at all...

I spend time with myself and can make me smile in a way that no boy can.

I let my hair down for those precious minutes because no one is looking and I pose in front of the mirror...for me.

Only I know which clothes make me look absolutely wow. And that I will never wear them in front of another human being. That's because I can still see that love(ly) handle showing but it doesn't matter as only I know. Just the fun of this exercise is good enough to get over a silly mood.

Second best to that is sharing such moments with girlfriends. Only girls can understand other girls, in some things particularly.

There's a reason we go to loo in pairs, and there are reasons why we hug so much, and we have lots to say to each other in the ear. Only we know what our best features are, why we cry, what pain really means, why we get upset when boys talk of porn and that we don't like naughty jokes after a point.

From where I am looking at it, only a woman knows the way to her heart. Men can try to find out. Men should try.

I'm over my silly mood. Just hope my swollen eyes don't give away my little secret tomorrow.

****
Dedicated to all the women who can connect with the thought and those who helped me get over my moods.

Bollywood does it again

2008-05-14T03:02:00.000-07:00

I recently watched Bhootnath.I had been looking forward to it because it seemed like a fresh concept. A story about ghosts that isn't scary is good for viewers like me who don't like to pay to get scared.

But this one again is just typical funny first half and then an emotional ride. At least the ghost could have been spared from being emotional!

My thoughts about the movie-

I laughed at all the naughty things Banku bhaiya did and I am old enough to not try them out but what about kids who watch the movie?

What are we telling children-there are ghost?only good ones aka angels?they are friendly?

I am an SRK fan but I am disappointed like I have been for the past few movies. Were his emotional dialogues with the ghost's son necessary?even in a guest appearance?

But to an extent I guess the movie reflects our present times. Parents are just too busy to look after the kids so we need divine intervention.

All I now understand about Bollywood is never go after the trailor. Even a movie that had potential went down that all too familiar Bollywood path of a family drama.

Anyway the kid was adorable. And the first half is bearable.

Homecoming

2008-05-02T11:31:00.000-07:00

Seeking a release I came. I saw and was conquered again.
Found the treasure but it slipped through my finger.
My silence didnt need a listner, my mind forgot fear.
I revisited my self and I was me once more.
Familiar faces, familiar touch, but only for a moment, only this much.

****
Coming home does all this to you and more.

In the now

2008-03-22T15:28:00.000-07:00

Sometimes you just have to believe
there is no other way.
Nobody can prepare you for life
or can they?
What is wrong and what is right
at this point I cannot say.
How do I do this
what is living my life my way?
Who stands in judgement
besides me and my?
Was I happy then
or am I happy now?

The winter tale

2008-03-06T15:17:00.000-08:00

There's a song in my head
A memory in my heart

An unfufilled wish
A secret desire

Loneliness for company
And the cold for comfort

We're online

2008-02-27T14:01:00.001-08:00

We are on the web. Come catch us!
Discover London at London Alternative

And don't forget to leave comments.
:)

Going online

2008-02-23T15:42:00.000-08:00

It's work work work everywhere. Story ideas that I have to come up with, others ideas that I have to edit, dreams of the rival group team. Ah... and this is just the beginning!

This is what happens when everything catches pace at the same time.

I am working on a website in a group at the moment. It is on the net (needs work though) with my picture, looking quite exactly like what I didn't want it to but I'll leave that aside.

The team is a mix of international students and it is lots of fun to hear so many accents and so many kinds of English.

An overworked designer who has his sense of humour intact even when we are losing it.
An editor who picks on me as part of her job..... and she is good! :)
My fellow sub who is my first Indian connection in this foreign land.
Yeah that's just a taste of my team.

The rest shall be talked about later.

For the moment I must say I enjoy this amalgamation and fusion of ideas and nationalities.

The site is already dear to me and I shall not hear anything against it.

Are you wondering about the other team? Their site is not that good, trust me. ;)

How many years to this day?

2008-02-14T15:05:00.000-08:00

I do not understand why today I have been feeling quite old. I have recollected events form the past and been amazed at the number of years between then and now.

That's not supposed to happen at all today. Today I am supposed to get upset about the world going ooh and aah about things and yet be happy I have so many loving people around me.

This has got to be weirder than all the other Valentine's days that have gone by.

And frankly I don't like this feeling. Its been 8 years since that happened and 6 since that. This is the stuff birthdays are made of. Then why today?

Am I officially entering the phase where I look back at what I have achieved. No! I'd rather ooh and aah and listen to mushy songs.

Is life getting back at me?

Recently...

2008-02-14T12:16:00.000-08:00

So I have joined Facebook. Continuing in the tradition of doing some things I wouldn't normally do. I have to admit that I hated it the moment I was 'booked'.

It brought up a bunch of people that I could add to my list of friends and I felt dictated. I wanted to search for my friends, not have some thrown on me.

The funny thing is that people I have not been in touch with have woken up to me. Yes they did say it would be easier to keep in touch this way but I wasn't listening.

Communication has not developed in recent years. If anything it has shrunk- from letters, to emails to lines. Next thing we might just send each other words and it will suffice.

All along I have been sitting back and observing the drama unfold as Orkut and Facebook got famous. They created a huge hype in the beginning and some of it fizzled out, at least in the case of the former. Well lets just say I am happy I didn't let myself get an account there!

But this is an experiment and I pretty much did it for my friends, for my lazy friends who cannot drop a line. So let's see how it goes.

How many friends will I have? How many invitations will I turn down? How many hugs and nudges will I get? Booked, am I not!

****
It feels so good to blog again!

Jean-e-tically

2008-02-07T11:26:00.000-08:00

My life is a pair of jeans
The more fun I have
The tighter it seems

I could do with a new one
But there is no time
And no place to run

I wanted to get it right
But realised long back
There is no perfect fit

A little crinkled,a little faded
It stands in its shades
Life gets a bit jaded

Back

2008-02-04T11:41:00.000-08:00

Right then, new month and we are back.

A little spotty but as my friend thinks, I will come out of this better than before. So what have I been up to?

For starters I revisted the phenomenon called Govinda. I caught up on some movies that I had missed all these years. I must say that the guy did rule at one point.

Another mission was to get down to every detail of the Bourne series. I will not go into how very very handsome Matt Damon is and how I have loved him from the day I saw Good Will Hunting...

Besides this was the luxury of doing absolutely nothing. It's a feeling I had been longing for and finally I was there.

The week that went by turned out unexpectedly good. It was the holiday that I needed after my recent vacation.

One week is a lot of time to think. And maybe a few things have changed. Not giving in to the temptation to scratch for a week does teach you something after all.

So I'm back to the old routine but with a fresh start.

For now

2008-01-31T15:35:00.000-08:00

Just angry words in my mind. Guess they dont deserve to be posted.
Soon I should be back.

Just reflecting

2008-01-29T14:39:00.000-08:00

This country has surely given me lots of memories.

What my own country couldn't do in years this place did in months. As a results of it, I am occupied with these lately- lactocalamine, pain killer, anti viral tablets...

But other than that it gave me freedom without time, strangers without a heart...guess I shouldn't crib. But heck I'm not allowed to scratch so I have to do something else!

Well I'm getting better and this is all going in the 'experiences' section of my life.

It's hard to imagine some things but then when you see them with your own eyes, life becomes a little less mysterious.

I would have never imagined myself with spots. Infact I never thought I would get chicken pox as I had my share of such things as a kid. And now here I am.

My life has certainly undergone a transformation. I have done things I didn't think I would do, enjoyed some and hated others.

Yet all of it has made life less of a mystery to me. I understand its dynamics and balance and how things work in the real world.

And in all this you need time to reflect and that's what I am doing right now.

Surprise surprise...

2008-01-27T11:07:00.000-08:00

Now there might be some changes in the direction in which this blog was going.

A certain spot showed up and well now some others did too. So we will just have to talk sbout them.

I'm talking about chicken pox.for anyone who reads this post, I hope you have had it.

I noticed the first one on my beloved country's republic day. Wasn't too sure what it was but I knew it was an alien. Then the doc and the revelation,ah... now I'm here, writing.

So I get a forced vacation and some time to do things that I need to. That's just one of the ups.

My appetite has become better, if that was possible. Thus it's possible I put on a bit by the time people see me next and may not believe the chicken pox 'story'.

But this here is the first post and we shall see what else can spring from this situation I have found myself in.

Oh yeah though this may sound unimportant if possible keep an account of who has had chicken pox in the family, especially little kids.

Well now I need my rest. Shall be back soon.

Me, Chocolate, Fuck

2008-01-25T13:11:00.000-08:00

I had 3 ideas in my head about what I wanted to write today. But not feeling well was threatening their presence on the blog.Then I thought I shouldn’t let all that thinking go waste.

So here I give you the 3 ideas quite briefly in one post.

First- 'Fuck' is not such a blasphemous word. My teachers use it here ever so often and judging by that it is acceptable if used in the right circumstance.

Like when you lose a story you just wrote or when the world seems too bad and you say 'fuck it' to survive. I must admit it has helped me out of many a tough spots.

(You probably know this but I'm easing my guilt at using it more often lately).

Second- There's isn’t much that a good helping of chocolate cannot solve. When today I didn’t feel too good I put some chocolate spread on bread and ate it and I felt much better instantly.

(But I must remind you that the emphasis is on the quantity of chocolate).

Third- by some weird twist I have completely forgotten the third thing I was going to say. I tried to recall it but zilch came back.

Ah fuck it! I'll eat some chocolate...

Sunny side up!

2008-01-24T05:40:00.000-08:00

We here have to learn to live without the sun because it just doesn’t feel like showing up. Today however it has pierced through all the clouds and showed up.

Now the joy of sunshine on your face in the winters is an experience shared by humanity. Usually when I’m alone and enjoying the sun I feel free of all the cares and the burdens. They fade away in the shining glory of the sun.

The warmth of the sun is so reassuring and seems to set everything right. There is clarity in my head and joy in my heart. It’s quite a good feeling, really.

But today I didn’t feel that same measure of the intoxication.

All I wanted to this when I came to this lovely city was to lose myself somewhere in the beautiful places and bitter sweet life away from home. I wanted to make a fresh beginning and do things differently.

My expectations were not met, they still are somewhere at the back of my mind waiting for redemption.

Now I realise that as beautiful as the day looks and as lovely as life seems on the bright and happy days, you have to keep the goodness flowing through the rest of the days.

But its hard work and you have to make it happen. That’s the only way. Sun or no sun, life has to be made good.

Though I admit it’s just easier on sunny days.

Sweet passions

2008-01-23T16:01:00.000-08:00

I have been gorging on a carrot cake for the past two days. And the thought of having the last bit tomorrow makes me want tomorrow night to come quickly.

This is the land of desserts. There are just too many of them- waiting for you to dig into them. They melt in your mouth and leave you in sweet heaven. And you cannot wait to have them again.

Just like the temptation for sweets sometimes takes over, revisiting moments from the past just happens. Times that have been so very special, find their way into my conversation.

After my share of roughing it out there the temptation to revisit a happier past takes over. I recall the times gone by to fill emptiness of some days. And maybe my eyes light up as my heart is fed with their eternal sweetness.Then my heart is glad and my soul content.

But I do remember to leave some of the good bits for another day.

I don’t know if being a girl makes a difference but such things just don’t leave you too easy. The memory of a friend, seeing each other grow out from fears, realising how long we have known each other...guess everyone has had such moments.

And so I move on. Maybe to other desserts hopefully.

Designs on me?

2008-01-22T10:48:00.000-08:00

In my life of long days and hungry evenings and even nights (at times) there is a certain encroachment by CSS( cascading style sheets).

I’m doing an online course and here comes the fun part... or so I hear. Rip apart a website.......see what it’s like on the inside. 3 columns, bold, picture here, white space...well actually suck the fun out of looking at an awesome website by thinking of how it was made and oh yeah...why.

Then design new pages of a website you would proudly call yours. Well I thought I’ll take it bit by bit (I mean the ripping!).

But there does come a time when the familiar sense of ‘ahem... why am I doing this’ steps in. Psst...It’s for the money, honey!

‘Speed’ as they say is of the essence. The life of a journalist is not easy folks. There are stories to be written and more to be edited and well it has to be done on the go. Think on the go, eat on the go.
Just go go go...

And I’m not really going anywhere with this ramble. But I’m just preparing myself for more invasion by style guides and tags and fonts and colours.

So if you see lesser posts than you’re used to...just know that I’m around but working..

Behind my back

2008-01-21T12:50:00.000-08:00

Living alone is a pain. If carrying grocery and getting shoulders busted twice a week was not enough, then it’s doing the laundry.

Doing the laundry in the halls here....well my first time around. The laundry bag got heavy and walking all the way to the launderette. Lord! My arms broke. My back had not yet recovered from lifting a heavy suitcase when this came along.

But the ordeal didn’t end there coz I had to take the stuff back all the way.

Add some rain and some cold wind and hair flying all over the place to the picture and doing all this on a growling stomach and you just about get the juicy part of my day.

Oh and I had a little tiff with a tiny annoying woman (I was tempted to get her by the neck and she’d regret it!)

Living alone is quite an experience and that’s what I'll say for the moment. All these years, I have hated carrying weight but all alone now and these weighty issues seem to crop up so often.

By the end of this year here I’ll definitely have grown stronger. But the moment I can’t take it anymore, I’m telling mom I want to get married.

I need someone to carry the weight around (including me)!
:p

OMG

2008-01-20T10:29:00.000-08:00

OMG the date displayed on the previous post is wrong! It says 13th Jan but it should be 20th.

"Blogger malfunctioning...beware beware!"

Been around...

2008-01-13T15:00:00.000-08:00

My holiday's over. I'm back to classes now. The effects of the vacation can be seen....no its not a tan but the extra inches I have around me.

But I love the fact that the jeans are tighter (way to go mom!)and that I may look a little healthier.

I have been around for a while but didn't find time to blog. Thoughts have made it to the drafts of the blog but not beyond and just lay there.

Good that one of my new year resolutions was not updating the blog regularly or I'd have broken that one right away. But hopefully all that should change now.

Guess I need some more dedication, inspiration, perseverance and......ah I'll be regular.

But here are some lines from earlier this year that did not make it:

Chocolate and ice cream giving me company
New Year and Christmas are history

Back to work for me
No late mornings for this busy bee

I’ve already labelled my mountains
And here again it begins

Roll up those sleeves and tie the wild mane
It’s an uphill ride, it ain’t no game

New Year fever

2008-01-08T00:50:00.000-08:00

When the party is over
And the alcohol doesn’t burn
When all the eves are gone
And the winter is colder

What will you do?

When faith overflows
And doubt leaves without a trace
When the dark cannot smite
And the day doesn’t bite

What will you do?

When you’re in the middle
And you’re no saint and you're no rogue
When bad feels as good as bad
And the highs come down like fever

What will you do?
***
The first week of the New Year is over. From adrenalin highs to normalcy...

A new year

2007-12-31T11:04:00.000-08:00

A new year approaches...
Memories from this one shall remain
Old pain will be carried over again
In wait of happiness.

A prayer...
That it may be well
That wisdom and joy dwell
All of this year.

****
A change of date is upon us all once again.

Happy New Year one and all.

Last minute Christmas gift

2007-12-24T06:14:00.000-08:00

Christmas is almost here. If you are like me you are expecting to get gifts from your parents but you have none to give them.
Typical of us, right?

Well what are you going to do?
Here are some things I am considering for tomorrow. Choose whichever suits you best. But make sure your parents are not around as you read this.

Here goes...
1. Help out with the dishes
Big Christmas party at home? Enjoy the Christmas dinner and eat a little extra pudding and gather those guts to say out loud, “I’ll help with the dishes mom.” When you see that smile, consider mission accomplished. If this is too troublesome consider option 2.

2. Play the perfect host
Feel the same way about guests as I do? Guests can be demanding..they want the 50th tissue, another glass of something, oh they’ve spilled something here and there. If you fume everytime you see them then this one time gulp that anger and play the perfect host. This will definitely take some pressure off your folks. And if this is your first time around in the quarters of hospitality it is sure to be noticed and appreciated.

3. Melodious sounds
This one is quite easy. Gather everyone around the tree and let them know that you have something to say...ahem sing. Then sing a family favourite Christmas Carol and once done add a line or two about how happy you are to spend time with the family because this is the time to be with loved ones. Yeah this is also the time of giving and receiving but let’s not forget you’re only receiving. So be careful not to say that!

4. Be a little generous
This one might pinch a bit but hey emptying your closet only means that you’re making room for a batch of new things. Let go of some of those things you’ve kept all along but don’t really need. This should earn you lots of points with your folks as you celebrate this season of ‘sharing’.

Right then...these may not be the best ideas but hey I hope I have got you thinking about what you can do this Christmas for spreading a little happiness.

Well then Merry Christmas everyone!
And God Bless...

In me

2007-12-22T10:04:00.000-08:00

In my reality I am The Princess
In my reality there are no other voices
In my reality triumph has always been mine
In my reality dissent is a big crime

In my world music lifts the soul
In my world my voices reach all
In my world I will stand as I stand, like I stood
In my world no one else can, no one else really could

In my head there are no drugs or junkies
In my head no one messes life for a little ecstasy
In my head I play the tune and others dance
In my head love and hate find a balance

In me every battle ends in victory
And each day becomes My Story
******
Does this sound familiar to anyone?

On a break

2007-12-18T14:35:00.000-08:00

I'm finally home!! Yipee!

Still getting accustomed to the pampering and catching up on food and sleep.

The only project for today was to decorate the Christmas tree. That's pretty much done and I can feel Christmas approaching.

Tomorrow starts again with the late morning and the usual...eating, tv and sleeping.

Once I'm over this euphoria I will get back to blogging.

Happy holidays for now...

I make a resolution...

2007-12-13T03:13:00.000-08:00

The semester is almost over and its time for a break. Just thinking about it makes me lose focus.

Yet the work never seems to come to an end.

Balancing (travelling plans with) submissions is a typical year end phenomenon. We've all been there, havent't we?

But this time around I am already making resolutions before the new year hits. Of working on time, that is.

No more last minute slogging and staying up late to finish work.

Wwwait! Isn't all just part of being a student?

Everytime we just about manage to make it to the deadline we make a promise never to procrastinate again.

But some promises are not meant to be kept, right?

I have work to complete over my vacation. Heavens know how that will be completed.

"Its fun to work under pressure", said my teacher yesterday. I agree because no pressure, no work. Literally!

So I reason out that there will always be work and then some more. But there are only so many vacations.

And so I make a resolution...I will work...only under pressure!

My dilemma is finally resolved. :)

My day today

2007-12-09T13:45:00.000-08:00

There are bad days and then there are worse days. Have you ever felt that? Dont know which one I had today.

From peals of laughter to moments when frustration comes out only as very deep long breaths, I was swinging with life.

In this already tumultous time the philosophical portion of the brain decided to attack me as well.

'Why dont I get what I want? I get lots but not what I want. What do I want? Why doesnt anyone understand me?'

(And then there are other thougths as well but those I'll leave out for some other post.)

Yeah it's happened to all of us. I wish time could just stop in those moments and I could take another deep breath...of relief this time.

But none of us have those luxuries. What we have however is the luxury of telling the whole world that this was my bad day. No wait...my BAD day!

What will tomorrow be like...oh I can't be bothered. I survived this and still have my sanity.

Guess that's good enough reason to move on. Tomorrow awaits...

Am I? Am I not?

2007-12-01T12:56:00.000-08:00

I’m not good because I did what I was told

I’m not bad because sometimes I can be cold

I’m not alive because time passes by

I’m not dead because I can still laugh and cry

I’m not pretty because mirrors come close to the truth

I’m not ugly because all truth is not absolute

I’m not a winner because I won a race

I’m not a loser because I did it all with faith

I’m not any of these
Yet what else could I possibly be?

I think alot and have many questions...

Pakistan politics

2007-11-26T04:56:00.001-08:00

There is so much going on in Pakistan right now. Already out of the commonwealth nations, it is trying to get into the club of democratic countries.

Elections are likely to be held in January next year.

Benazir Bhutto, a strong contender for the post of PM is back to save her country in the name of democracy. The corruption charges hounding her for years may have been dropped but not erased form the minds of the people.

Then there is Musharraf, the army dictator in love with his uniform. It takes the whole world to get him to let go of it. Will he let it go? The world will be watching...

The third party, Nawaz Sharif ,whose entry into Pakistan from exile has been somewhat a mockery. On his first attempt he was deported back to Saudi Arabia as soon as he landed.

Second time lucky, he may fight the elections. He has a history of controversies, but who doesnt. Musharraf seized power from him in a military coup in 1999. Is this his time for a comeback?

These are the choices in front of the people come next year. Who out of them can bring democracy?

Is this a clear case of voting for the 'lesser evil'?

Is Pakistan really heading towards better times?

When

2007-11-19T11:07:00.000-08:00

When
There was an internal strife
I needed to get a life

life
Was I being punished for obeying?
For which horror was I paying?

couldn’t
There must be a goal, I had none
There was no battle I won

suck
No hope, no sunshine, and no words I could rhyme
How could I fight the tears I hadn’t cried?

anymore, it did!
My brain was playing tricks
I could throw up, I was so sick

But then... I had a moment
From moments of desperation
Came some bit of inspiration

My feet were firm on the ground again
If I tried, maybe I could make life sane

Now I believe in me once more...

A toast to new ramblings

2007-11-15T13:44:00.000-08:00

When the world around you becomes quiet, suddenly there is more noise in your head than usual. This is happening to me.

I have shifted to a place where I should have been long back but that's just not how things turned out. Last night was disturbed as I had distorted dreams of times that cannot be replaced. I was disturbed by voices from outside that I couldn't stop.
Being in my own company I have tasted something of a jailed independence and reaffirmed my belief that family is the most important thing in the world.

With curtains and doors I have locked out the world and opened my mind to take me wherever it may choose. My head has too many voices trying to pull me in different directions and I'm trying to keep up.

I have revisited moments from the past which despite what I believe are at best,history. But hopes and aspirations are showing up from beneath the surface and dreams and regrets refuse go away.

This is a new beginning, one among I dont know how many.

This time around maybe I'll let my head do the talking.

Drink away

2007-11-14T02:24:00.000-08:00

A surprising news story caught my attention this morning. Latest research at the Oxford University study published in the Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health says expecting mothers who binge drink occassionally would cause minimal harm to their baby. However more research needs to be carried out to to ascertain these results.

The obvious question that comes to mind is are we trying to prevent people from going on a binge drink or we are promoting this culture? Such a news story will only encourage people to drink more instead of the opposite effect. And it will put the lives of many babies at risk.

I am confused why research every few years brings out contradictory results.

A time to question

2007-11-13T15:09:00.000-08:00

Its bird flu again. This christmas there might be no turkey on the table.

Every morning as I read the paper I get my daily dose of crap. One after the other the news keeps getting worse. It's the perfect way to mar a day right at the beginning.

But as the day goes on I forget all this turmoil in the world and get busy with my work. This is typically what happens to most people I think. This is probably what is happening in the world. We ignore the problems around us and move on. There are endless talks and treaties at the national and international level but are they really making a difference?

The environment keeps getting worse, the younger generation has made shooting a school project, paedophiles are on the move...when will we do something about this?

Blaze

2007-11-12T14:24:00.000-08:00

Today the Olympic site in London was engulfed in a fire near Stratford, East London. For me initially it was only a call by a well wisher to "stay at home". Fire, I thought, it couldn't be too big a deal. Thankfully there were no casualities.

A few minutes later as the news sank in, my mind did race back to all the unpleasant images I had seen on television of London under terrorist attack. In this case there has been no mention of a link to terrorism.

But beyond all the new reports and the faith in the police, how safe are we really?

Work in progress...

2007-11-08T14:48:00.000-08:00

Working on an assignment on Official Secrets Act. Hoping to do a good job at it. Rest is for the teacher to decide.

Have a line of thought for a poem, must develop it. What is it about? Now that's a secret! ;)

Will be back soon.

For now

2007-11-05T14:20:00.000-08:00

The shifting plan got shifted
and laziness still hasn't drifted

News stories were written in a hurry
I saw my marks and felt sorry

Bank procedures sometimes suck
I had to leave couldnt stay stuck

Shopping is a guilty trip
but sometimes my guards can slip

I went for a movie but saw two
one was freaky the other fresh like dew

Another week has just begun
assignments seem to suck the fun

Travelling too much aint easy
some strangers are just too creepy

The blog had been forgotten
but now its back in action!

Movers and shakers

2007-10-26T14:23:00.000-07:00

There comes a time to move away from the protected shell to the big bad world out there. Its my time to do that.

Time to move from the warmth of the house to the unfamiliarity of independent living. Oh yeah I am entering a new phase in my life. It will be quite memorable I've heard but I have to see that for myself. I did manage to get some tips from a friend to help me through this smoothly.

Suddenly the things occupying my mind are how long does this daal take to cook, do I need more loo paper, this bedsheet is way too expensive....when did I become this? Is there no turning back from here? There was a time when real stuff occupied my mind, for instance how will I use this new word in my next conversation, my sense of humour totally rocks, gosh this dress is wow...

Well I cant crib because moving on is better than sitting on one comfortable spot. Even if there is no coming back I believe it's beacuse there is good stuff up ahead. Tasty dishes and inexpensive linen might just be a part of it but that will not be all.

For now I promise myself that this will be Happy Shifting.

Of movies and boxing

2007-10-23T11:07:00.001-07:00

Rocky Balboa, does the name strike any connection in the brain?

You bet it does! The movie has been a family favourite for as long as I can recall. The background music is unforgettable, the adrenalin rush is tangible, the rawness in Sylvester Stallone's character is lovable.

The movie is also a good example to prove the media violence theories that say watching violence helps you to come to terms whith whatever bit of it you have inside. Yeah so when i have a bad day i can fight back with every punch that Rocky delivers. And Balboa's "go the distance" dialogue will definitely ring in my mind the next time I'm on the egde.

The portrayal of undeniable power of the human spirit,that's what I love about Rocky. I confess I have not watched all the parts of the movie but here I come. Rock on Rocky!

Absence

2007-10-22T13:45:00.000-07:00

Where have i been all along? Well been lazy first of all. Then began the weekend by going to the local market, watching the rugby match and getting home quite late at night. Sunday was a trip around the city to see the Buckhigham Palace, Big Ben and drinking pomegranade juice from an ice glass in a freezing bar.

Blogging has been put on a hold therefore but not for too long...

Feeling familiar

2007-10-18T13:15:00.000-07:00

In the first post I mentioned there are many thoughts waiting to be released through this blog. Now I sit here wondering what I should write about. The recent trip to Belgium or the nostalgia thats making me homesick or maybe some poetry written in a hurry, or the tube...ah maybe that should be it.

New in London, actually I'm well over a month old here.The tube... I had heard so much about it. My only regret was that it was underground which meant I would miss out on some pretty sights.

Well first came the technological set up at the station. Strange machines that gave you tickets in return for your money. This was the sight of a world when the humans had finally lost out to the the superiority of the machines. Okay that went a bit far. So back to the station..

Having passed the gates, I was relieved to have somehow managed not to make a fool of myself. Once in the train, I saw people I call ipod junkies. Most were either sleeping or listening to their ipod while reading. I, however, tried to understand the tube map infront of me. My lack of understanding of the north and south west and the like mocked me. I will never learn all this, I thought. Another fear was that I would end up on the wrong station and since there's no mobile signal underground no one would be able to trace me.

Forward to the present...I travel over two hours everyday between home and classes. I am no longer the stranger staring into space. I do balance myself on the (sometimes)jerky overcrowded trains with one hand while the other holds a newspaper.

There is however no awe anymore of 'the tube'. And I occasionally crib that the trains move slow or are late. My point? Knowledge corrupts. ;)

What's in a name?

2007-10-17T11:57:00.000-07:00

It was a bright sunny day on this side of the globe today. Quite a welcome change from the gloom we have been surrounded by for a while. Sunshine can change my outlook and make life more bearable.

But the truth is sun or no sun, life sometimes seems very mechanical.
There are rules to be followed or not, goals, poems, meetings, arguments...do do do...

Thats one of the reasons for the choice of name for this blog.

Isn't it all about 'do'? Everyone must be 'doing'. Till you can call your boss and say 'done'.

For me it goes something like this:
do start a blog.
doing an update.
done!

God Bless :)

One

2007-10-16T15:23:00.000-07:00

The blogosphere goes up by one! This starts out as an experiment and the sincere hope is it does not blow up as one.

Blogging is a phenomenon that came up in my day and age and therefore I am no alien to it. But I have been on the other side of it all along.

Now, however, the bug has caught up with me. Lots of thoughts are waiting to be released into the vast space of the virtual world, of course, with much hesitation.

Blogging is the way to go these days and has created quite a buzz; much like emails and online chatting did some years back. It did seem intimidating at first. Then came the questions, 5Ws and 1H... literally. But curiosity gets the better of most of us. I gave in to it.

What is its future, is it propaganda, is it liberating…..all this remains unanswered. But for now it is here and I am a part of it.

One more voice. One more blog. What is the power of 'one'?